freeeedommm!
It’s official and final. Well, I guess it won’t be “officially final” for another week or so. They give you a little grace period in case you change your mind. Kind of like a free trial, but in reverse. To see what kind of withdrawal symptoms show up. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s all over. I don’t expect any compulsion to reverse course. Not anticipating night sweats. No 20/20 hindsight. No turning back.
Dear Facebook. I quit you. Effective now.
Let’s be clear. I’m not writing this post to convince anyone else to follow—I’m no Pied Piper. I’m writing it as a public commitment (well public insomuch as the handful of subscribers I have might read it). I’m telling these few people and the few others they might see fit to share it with because I want the pressure of knowing if I back down and return, tail between my legs, that all of you will shame me. That said, I put the chances of that happening at only slightly better than my having a late-forties growth spurt and ringing in 48 next January at six feet tall.
So as of now I am Faceless. I’ve escaped from the book that contains all the other Faces (and their pets).
Why, you might ask, would I cut myself off from a seemingly endless string of cauliflower recipes and sometimes funny memes? How can I live without the deluge of made-up news stories and political rants, shared so zealously by lovable crazies on both sides of the aisle? It’s certainly not because I hate cauliflower. I love cauliflower—even without all the fancy attention it’s getting these days. I think it’s nice that we’re finally giving the much-maligned vegetable some respect. Now if we could only kick red onion and avocado to the curb once and for all… And corn. Isn’t corn the most unimaginative food there is? It’s like the Arial font of edibles.
But I’m not leaving Facebook because of vegetables any more than I’m leaving for politics. I may actually miss some of the outlandish nonsense people cite as facts, and articles from fly-by-night “news” sources that should all sport dot-BS instead of dot-COM to self-identify their content.
And it’s certainly not the memes. Especially Trump memes. I don’t care if you like him or don’t. Trump memes are funny. Every damned one of them. But I can find memes in places other than Facebook. Maybe even funnier ones.
I’d love to tell you that my reasons for leaving Facebook are simply between my shaman and me, but the fact is that I don’t have a shaman. And I’m not so complicated that I need one. Unless James Spader is available. Or Chuck Klosterman. Talk about your cool shamans.
Getting back to the point, the simple reason I’m punching my ticket is that as I sit here, several swings into the Back 9 of life, it’s clear that I don’t want or need Facebook. What I need is to make a better effort to stay in real human contact with the people I care most about. So I’m going to use the part of my phone that enables me to hear people’s actual voices.
I’m not opposed to technology. Hell, I may even do more with Facetime or Skype. Of course, my friends may be so busy tweeting or posting that they won’t answer the call. But that’s okay. It’ll give me more time to write. Maybe I’ll even hire a shaman so he or she can help me work through my issues. Because clearly, I must be disturbed to kick myself off the Facebook island. If Spader and Klosterman are unavailable, maybe Mariska Hargitay would take the gig. Lieutenant Benson would make a kick-ass shaman, don’t you think?
Or maybe we can just drink. My shaman would like tequila. I’m sure of it.
Anyway, I hope all five or six of you who read this blog will know that I’m not quitting you. I’m quitting Facebook. You and anyone else can have my contact information (if you don’t already have it)—all you have to do is ask for it. And maybe send me your birthday, so I don’t forget it.
So there it is. Facebook now has nearly 2 billion users. Minus one.
Cheers!
