a bills fan’s guide to the 2016 election
Okay so I guess this is a second political post, but in fairness the first one was more about political people—less commonly known as assholiosis. I know that sounds like an affliction, and it’s probably offensive to real afflictions, but it feels somehow more inclusive to me. So let’s run with it.
And now for something completely different…
I think it’s fair to say that those of us from Buffalo are at least slightly more in touch with the pain of our beloved Bills than with the details of the nightmare lineup that is our 2016 slate of candidates for president. So I thought it would be fun to compare each candidate with a familiar face from the field at 1 Bills Drive, otherwise known as Rich Stadium. Yes, I know the name has changed. But I honestly don’t know or care what the new name is. It’s Rich Stadium, damn it. On this I will not bend.
But sadly, we don’t have a Jim Kelly running for president. No Andre Reed either. No Thurman Thomas or Bruce Smith. We don’t even have a Steve Tasker or a Cornelius Bennett. Doug Flutie? Uh… No. So what do we have?
Let’s start off with John Kasich. No one’s talking about him, so I guess I may as well. For me, John Kasich is Wade Phillips. There’s little argument that Wade Phillips is an excellent defensive coach. And he was pretty effective at taking orders from Jerry Jones. But he wasn’t so good when he had the keys to the car. Similarly, I think there are some things Kasich could be very good at. So maybe he could be a VP, but that would make Trump or Cruz Jerry Jones, and that’s pretty scary in its own right.
So how about Ted Cruz? This one was hard for me. Truth be told, I’m not nearly as smart on Bills’ history as most of my friends. So the best I could come up with—and Titans fans are about to find this out the hard way—is Mike Mularkey, with a close second to our special teams coach that year of the horrifying incident known everywhere else in the country as the Music City Miracle. Why? Mularkey is expert at screwing things up. “First and goal at the 5 and the defense only has 9 guys on the field? I know. Let’s run a double-reverse throwback to the quarterback with a tackle eligible. They’ll never see it coming.” Loss of 17. I think Cruz is pretty much the same way. He’s so anxious to prove how much smarter he is than everyone else, he’s bound to mess it up. Plus, he’s just plain creepy. So maybe that makes him Dick Jauron.
Crossing the aisle, we have Bernie Sanders. Bernie has lots of ideas—ideas he’s had for a long, long time. And he’s going to keep pushing them forward until someone pays attention, probably well past the point where they can be effective. For that reason I think Bernie is Marv Levy. He may be able to achieve some great things, but he’s going to shove that inside handoff out of the shotgun down our throats over and over again until we’re sick of seeing it. And I’m not convinced he won’t be “GM Marv” instead of “Coach Marv” from the get-go. If that’s the case (following Bills’ history of course), we’d wind up with Cruz in 2020. Ick.
So how about everyone’s favorite lunatic, Donald Trump? The easy choice here—on looks alone—is Rob Ryan. But I’m not going there. Trump is nothing if not unlikable. He says stupid shit. He deflects criticism. He points fingers. And he’s just plain grumpy. I’m sure he’s done shady things in the interest of winning. But he didn’t make the rules—he just found the loopholes and exploited them. So I have to go across the division and give Trump a hoodie. Sorry to invoke this name, but I think he’s Bill Bellicheck. I admit Bellicheck is far better at his job than Trump would likely be at the one he’s trying to get, but for all his shenanigans, Trump’s had a pretty successful career in his own right. It doesn’t really matter who’s counting, his worth still has the word “billions” at the end.
And that leaves Hillary Clinton. I’m convinced she’s gone completely off the rails. I don’t think she even knows what the truth is anymore, but it doesn’t matter. She is absolutely certain that she’s the darling of the country. That everyone loves her. That she’s entitled to the presidency. She’s more arrogant than even Trump (and that’s saying something), and I’m pretty sure she’s not above breaking any law to get what she wants or feels she deserves. And for all that she always seems to find a way to come out on top. It’s baffling and terrifying, unless you really do love her. Then it’s great. So let’s stay in New England. That’s right, friends. Hillary Clinton is the NFL’s favorite asshole—Tom Brady.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not moving to Canada. No offense to Canada or Canadians. I spent lots of time there growing up and I love that country. I just think the “If _____ wins the election, I’m moving to Canada!” is a seriously stupid threat because, well who would really care? But I did just order a Hamilton Tiger Cats jersey.
Cheers.
