wockets aren’t real

Oct 1

Please notice which pocket the wocket seems to favor. Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

And even if they were, they have plenty of options for where to hang out!

Oh wait. You need context, don’t you? This piece stems from one of my nonsensical morning-brain adventures. Plus, I haven’t written in a while, and these little thinkabouts make good practice at getting things down on paper. Or, more accurately, screen.

So what does all that mean? It means you should set your own brain to fun while you’re reading this. And whatever you do, don’t Google _______ _____. No wait. The end of that sentence is a story that won’t find it’s way into print. At least not by my hand. What I meant to write is, whatever you do, don’t take me seriously. Or do. Your call.

Now that all that’s out of the way, we can talk about today’s villain—the shirt pocket!

What a waste of fabric. I will say, the first person who designed it probably had good intentions. Maybe they were on retainer with Phillip Morris. Or designing uniforms for accountants. Or maybe they just had an extra rectangle of material and decided shirts needed to catch up with pants as storage containers.

Whatever the genesis, I’m going on record saying I believe shirt pockets are just plain dumb. In my view, they serve no useful purpose. And they mess up the look of your shirt. Especially a t-shirt or a polo shirt. But even a dress shirt doesn’t like a pocket. I just looks weird and clumpy when you wear a jacket over it.

And why just one pocket? I’m old enough to remember when some pants had only one back pocket and that was… equally dumb. People were walking around looking like they had lopsided asses. Who wants that? No one. That’s who. And don’t get me started on my conspiracy theory that the whole single shirt pocket thing is yet another creation for right-handed people.

Now I can almost understand shirts with double pockets. Almost. At least they’re balanced. But to me, they’re no less dumb and definitely no more functional. Think about it. With two chest pockets, you have twice as much space to store the same nothing you were storing in the lone pocket.

I took an informal silent poll at my local Kroger the other day, which is to say I wandered about the store staring at people’s shirts. There were exactly 17 people in the store wearing a shirt with at least one pocket, including several employees. Of those 17 people, exactly zero had anything in their shirt pockets. Not even a grocery list, which would actually make some sense, given the setting.

Statistically speaking, at least one of those people is probably a smoker. Maybe more than one (I am in Tennessee, after all). But if any were smokers, they weren’t storing their smokes in their shirt pocket. I don’t know what the stats are on accountants, but I didn’t see any pocket protectors or pens either. So there were at least 17 shirt pockets in the store and every one of them was filled with air. Maybe a stray bit of lint, but this isn’t a commentary on people’s laundering skills.

Time for a quick disclaimer.

The next person to suggest I have a good sense of fashion will be the first. I’m not exactly a follower of the latest trends. I like what I like and sometimes it becomes popular. Take, for example, my bucket hats. Yes, I am currently wearing one now. But I’ve been wearing them for decades. I’m not saying I started the current trend. Just that I’m not following it.

Anyway, I get that shirt pockets may well be a fashion thing, in which case I have no valid argument. Let’s be honest. I have no valid argument anyway. I’ve even owned a shirt or two with a pocket and I’m 99.99% sure I’ve never stored anything in them. Plus, I just don’t think they look good. At least not on me. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that people who look good in shirts with pockets do so in spite of the pockets, not because of them.

So this is just a rant. Plain and simple. And maybe a small request of shirtmakers to give the no-pocket crowd more options. Winter’s coming and I do like a flannel. But it’s rare to find a flannel without pockets. Even rarer to find a solid color. I’m not anti-plaid. I just don’t think I can pull it off any more than I can pull off the shirt with pockets. But that’s another post entirely.

If Dr. Seuss were still alive, I think he’d agree with me. All the wockets in the world can fit comfortably in the pockets of pants and jackets. There’s simply no need for a shirt pocket. Go ahead, ask him. Oh wait, he’s dead. So I guess you’ll have to take my word for it. Or don’t. Your call.

Cheers.

short pocketspocketsdr seusswocketsfashion

michael marotta

Michael Marotta started making up stories before he started school, imagining himself into his grandmother’s memories of growing up during The Great Depression and World War II. Fascinated by the people in those tales, he began to make up his own characters (and no small number of imaginary friends). He honed his craft in high school, often swapping wild stories for the answers he didn’t know to cover up the fact that he hadn’t studied.

Today, Michael’s the guy making up histories for people he sees at the airport, in restaurants or simply hanging around in his hometown of Nolensville, Tennessee. His kids are grown and most of the imaginary friends have moved on, but their spirits live in the characters and stories he creates—pieces of real people marbled with fabricated or exaggerated traits and a generous helping of Eighties pop culture.

Michael’s characters appeal to many people because they are the people we all know. They are our friends, our families and people we encounter every day. He writes for the love of writing and for the crazy old lady who raised him.