touchscreens just aren’t my type
This post is long overdue. I’ve been struggling with it for years and it’s time I shared my misery in a more public forum. I mean, it would be more public if I had more followers than you can’t count on your thumbs. Or if I did any marketing. But I don’t see that changing any time soon—at least the latter of the two—so maybe this is more catharsis than sharing. Catharsis? Wow, I normally don’t dip into my bag of Scott Kelly words this early in a post, but that one is fun to say. Especially if you add a little hiss at the end.
So, what am I all worked up about? It’s not like someone put a red onion in my pad kra pao or cooked salmon in my kitchen with the windows closed. No, I assure you it’s nothing quite so ominous. But it is a bit traumatic for me.
The problem, my friends, is touchpads. And touch-typing. Not the old touch-typing where you’re using a real typewriter but not looking at the keys. I couldn’t do that very well either, but I didn’t make me want to break things. I’m talking about the way the assholes at Apple decided a real keyboard and mouse weren’t necessary and then everyone else followed suit. I don’t even care if it happened in that order—the outcome sucks. At least for me.
Here’s an idea. Instead of programming sound effects so touching your screen keyboard makes clicking noises, why not bring back actual flipping keys? At the prices manufacturers get for phones these days, you’d think they would see a market for people who want the real thing. Holy hell. I just read that back to myself and now I feel like I need to audition for the next commercial with that guy who teaches people how not to become their parents. Fuck, I’m getting old.
I’ve often said using a touchpad or those imaginary on-screen letters & numbers feels a lot like typing with mittens to me. I can’t make the cursor go where I want it to go and my fingers always manage to touch two keys at once. That would be okay, but why does my screen always—I mean always—choose the wrong key?
Honestly, I’m growing weary of the embarrassment of sending an email or IM to a female coworker with the word anythong in it. And it isn’t much more fun to send a message to my boss or another exec that explains why we’re shitting gears.
I know what you’re going to say… I should use the voice-to-text feature on my iPhone. But I’m onto you. I’ve seen the gibberish that particular technology advancement produces. No thank you.
But what are words for, when no one listens anymore (words for)? When no one listens, there’s no use talking at all.
There you have it. Another 550 or so words I’ve strung together without an actual point. I haven’t cured cancer. I haven’t taught you anythong (yes, I did that for effect). I’ve accomplished nothing except perhaps to distract you from something more important for the three minutes and forty-one seconds it took you to read this. At least that’s how long my script timer says it will take.
Cheers.
