nelson mandela and the great eclipse caper
So, I’m sitting in the chair getting a new tattoo, when Brad and the other artists start talking about the upcoming eclipse...
Before I get too far into the story, you need to understand that the shop is where I learn shit. The artists do a ton of research on just about everything, and Jake, especially seems to be a bottomless pit of random tidbits of obscure, but fascinating information. For instance, when Kim and I were there several months ago for her first tattoo, Jake not only knew the specific type of gecko she was getting, he knew its origins, where it lived, and a bunch of other stuff I no longer remember but I’m sure he does. Long story short... tattoos are not an addiction. They’re continuing education. I need to get more tattoos so I can learn more things. Also, it’s much more entertaining than the internet.
But back to the eclipse... my needle therapy had barely begun when the topic of the “Mandela effect” came up. Before that day, I had never heard of such a thing, and according to this site, it actually has nothing to do with the eclipse. It’s more about the weird phenomenon of lots of people remembering things that never actually happened or existed. Like its namesake... the idea that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 1980s when he actually died in 2013.
Jake and the others tied the Mandela effect to eclipses by saying that things just disappear from existence after eclipses. See? So much more interesting than "people are just wrong,” at least in this storyteller’s humble opinion.
The example they started with is the Fruit of the Loom cornucopia, which everyone—including me—remembers. They tried to sell me on the idea that it never existed, but I had an ace in the hole. Lacy, my friend and former teammate, used to be the archivist at Fruit of the Loom, so surely, she would set the record straight. So, I texted her. She responded almost immediately with, “Never existed. Pure Mandela effect.”
What the actual fuck?
Before that day I had never heard of the Mandela effect, and now I was questioning all sorts of things I knew. And then yesterday—the day of the actual eclipse, I started thinking about things I’d love to fall victim to the Mandela effect. Imagine if we could choose to disappear things from existence. Like that odd radio commercial about junk removal where people point to stuff and it just disappears. What would you choose?
Admittedly, I spent more time thinking about this than I needed to on our road trip to watch the eclipse, but it was kind of fun. I should also add here that my list was aided by various podcasts and random observations... which is pretty normal for me, as it turns out. And I tried to come up with things that wouldn’t have too severe a butterfly effect. For example, Rick Astley. His music would be up there on my list, but I’m sure he has family and loved ones, and I while I’d love to never hear any of his songs again, I don’t want to be responsible for erasing the existence of an entire family. That’s the stuff of nightmares. Anyway, here’s my list:
#1. The song, “Benny and the Jets.” Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Elton John. But I hate Benny and all the Jets with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. If the celestial act of the moon passing in front of just one of those suns could erase that song from existence, my ears would be so happy. And I’m pretty sure Sir Elton would still be doing just fine without it, so I’m not worried about creating a spin-off “Astley effect” with this one.
#2. The “You suck!” chants from the Nashville Predators’ faithful fans. This nonsense is an afront to sportsmanship everywhere and just a poor example for the kids who love hockey. I’ve written about this before, so I won’t rehash all the details. It’s just plain wrong, and if it never existed, I might actually be able to enjoy a hockey game in Nashville.
#3. Red onions. Also, something I’ve written about before. Fucking food bullies that overwhelm all other flavors in whatever they’re in. I just want to be able to taste other things. Is that too much to ask?
#4. Russell Brand’s remake of Arthur. If I’m honest, that’s probably #2. Not even Helen Mirren could save that garbage and she’s... she’s Helen Mirren. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of the Aldus Snow character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and whatever that other movie is with Mr. Brand. But only Dudley Moore can be Arthur Bach. Period. End of story.
Hmm. I thought I had a top five, but now I can’t seem to remember the fifth one. I might’ve included that glowing puck experiment one of the networks tried several years ago, but it was such a miserable failure it took care of itself. Kind of like the New Coke of NHL broadcasts.
Maybe #5 is actually a Mandela effect. In any case, I have about six weeks until my next lesson with Brad and the crew at Golden Yeti, so help me fill the space by telling me what you’d love to disappear. Kim tells me eclipses happen every 18 months or so, so maybe together we can reinvent the world.
Cheers.
P.S. Happy birthday, Emily. Remember to wash your hobbit feet. Some things just never get old...
