shh. be vewy, vewy quiet. i’m hunting twewth
It’s either common knowledge or plausible bullshit, but someone told me a long time ago that the word we know today as news is an acronym for North, East, West, South. The idea is that it—news—is information from every direction. Truth people can use to help them make sense of the world around them. Well it seems evident… or apparent… Those words are interchangeable, you know. I know that, not because my Windows thesaurus tells me so, but because of my friend Michael O’Rielly.
Back in high school, Michael almost always used the word apparently. And I almost always used the word evidently. Or maybe it was the other way around. That part doesn’t matter. What matters is that we challenged each other to trade words. I’m sure it was one of those “loser buys the beer” kinds of challenges. I’m equally sure that we shared in the spoils. The point is that we were able to trade words because they meant the same thing. And everyone still understood us, depending on how much beer we had actually consumed.
But you know what doesn’t mean the same thing anymore? News. The word is still with us, but the concept is dead. Wag the Dog has become a documentary. Or at the very least a historical fiction.
Maybe news was never really a thing. Maybe I’m looking back on my youth, fondly remembering when anchors were anchored by the truth. When journalists wrote about facts. When the window I look out into the world through didn’t resemble a funhouse mirror. But I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of the “Rabbit season! Duck season!” loop that is our country’s news media.
I’m tired of Fox News pretending to be “fair and balanced.”
I’m tired of CNN still clinging to the idea that the first N in its name stands for news.
I’m tired of NPR perpetuating the myth that they don’t have an agenda.
I’m tired of people—any people—who say they aren’t spinning. As soon as you say you’re not, you are.
I’m tired of politicians and what passes for reporters today claiming transparency all for themselves. No one is transparent. See spinning.
So, in case you haven’t caught on, I’m really tired. If I thought for a minute I could survive in the wild, I’d go all John Belushi in Continental Divide. But I’m not terribly handy, and I’m not much for killing things. Even for food. Plus, I get cold really easily now. I don’t like bugs. And there are people in the middle of all this chaos who I love and would miss.
Anyway, when I was a kid, I thought professional wrestling was 100 percent real. I was amazed at how these guys could hit each other with steel chairs and baseball bats covered in barbed wire and still get up for more. They must’ve hated each other even more than Burt Johnson hated the moose that hung in his study.
But the more outlandish wrestling got, the less interested I became. The writers got caught up in one-upping each other and failed to notice when they obliterated my suspension of disbelief.
I think that happened to lots of people, and at some point, all the federations and alliances stopped trying to pretend this was a sport. They started calling it “sports entertainment.” Now it’s just entertainment. Which isn’t to say the stars aren’t real athletes. I actually saw Jeff Hardy in the airport the last time I flew. He seemed nice, but I would not want to make that guy angry. And he’s one of the smaller ones.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that what we used to call news is, in my opinion, the new professional wrestling. The people are real humans (mostly), but it’s all bullshit. Maybe not all of it. I’m sure there’s some truth in there, but too many people—including the people who are supposed to be neutral—are getting caught up in the notion that if they agree with it, it must be true. What used to be newspapers are becoming today’s tabloids. I’m just waiting to see one of them resurrect my favorite National Examiner headline, “Satan lives in my microwave!” I know for a fact that one wasn’t true, because it’s common knowledge that Satan lives in my oven. That’s why it locks itself every time I try to cook something in it. Satan is obviously hungry and wants my food. Or he’s naked and embarrassed. Either way, he doesn’t want me opening my oven door.
It’s getting more and more ridiculous by the day. Not the oven. I’ve actually just stopped using it. Satan can have his privacy. I mean what’s passing for news these days. That’s ridiculous, too. And more people I know have just stopped trying to get anything more from it than entertainment. The trouble is, that leaves us completely devoid of any uncompromised information sources. So, we turn to social media for our “reality.” And on social media, anything is fair game. But is any of it really what you or I would call news? Hell if I know.
I hope you didn’t read this blog looking for an answer or a suggestion about where to get real information. I’m just another guy who shoots his mouth off on the internet once in a while. Most of the time, I don’t even have the questions right, let alone the answers. So, let me just close this out but offering up a new meaning for the acronym, with a little creative license from another clueless character:
I’m out… for now. Feel free to throw virtual soup at me. But not the creamy kind, okay? That’s just gross.
Cheers!
