got any gum?
So here we are, sitting squarely where we have put ourselves.
We’re on the eve of the inauguration of a new president whose name people like to invoke with that title about as often as the kids at Hogwarts use the name Voldemort. I have to say I’ve been mostly entertained by the bitching between my blue and red friends, neither color of which I can fully relate. I like purple. Especially the darker shades.
But that’s neither here nor there because we’re about to have an orange president. It’s not the Republicans’ fault. It’s not the Democrats’ fault. It’s not the Electoral College’s fault. And it’s damned sure not the Russians’ fault.
I’m sorry to do this to my fellow Bills’ fans, but it occurs to me that this is a lot like our first Super Bowl loss. We were heavy favorites—just like Hillary Clinton. And we lost. Just like Hillary Clinton. But it wasn’t because of a missed field goal at the end. Just like this election had nothing to do with the Russians or anyone else shining the light on some bad juju in the DNC. We lost because that fucker Bill Bellicheck designed a defensive strategy we never saw coming. Just like Trump’s team designed a strategy that blindsided Hillary. Neither event should’ve been that close.
The truth is it’s our fault. Every one of us who fell asleep at the wheel. Over the years, we’ve served up a cast of buffoons the likes of John Kerry, Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz and Al Gore. And that doesn’t even count the ones we actually put in the White House.
I’m fortunate to work with terrific people from different parts of the world, and I can tell you from Hong Kong to London to Poland to Toronto, they are dumbfounded that in a country of over 350 million people, the two best we had to offer were Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. You just threw up in your mouth a little, too, didn’t you? Go ahead. Admit it while I go get a stick of gum.
President Donald Trump. There. I said it. He’s the guy. We put him there. And I don’t want to hear about him not being your president because the electoral college is flawed. It is flawed. But it’s also the way we elect presidents in this country. And Democrats are only complaining about it now because their candidate lost. The other side would do the same—and did. Trump hated the electoral college when he thought he was going to lose. Then he hired himself a Bellicheck. Someone who studied the system and executed a strategy that helped him win handily in the only way that matters. She is a woman, by the way, and I’m sure he doesn’t hate her.
Hillary, on the other hand, studied debates and catered to the general population. That worked for her, and she won the popular vote. But since we’re not a democracy and the popular vote means absolutely nothing in a presidential race, she lost the election. Just like Gore and three others in our nation’s history. I’m not saying it’s the way it should be. I’m not offering an opinion on it at all. Just saying it’s the way it is. So ironically it’s Hillary who actually eliminated the first entitlement of 2016—the one where she felt entitled to be president.
But that’s another topic. I’m not here to bash either of them. Too much of that going on already.
The fact is that we have had plenty of opportunities throughout history to change the electoral college—when Congress and the White House were all the same color—and we didn’t do it. We only cry foul when our side loses.
Let’s use another sports analogy here—take last week’s NFL playoffs. New England beat Houston by a wide margin (34-16), much like Trump’s electoral college win. But the Texans held the ball for five full minutes longer—that’s over 8 percent of the game. Should they have been declared the winner? I and just about everyone outside Boston except my dear friend Karen Lucas may wish that. We hate the Patriots the way a majority of Americans hate President Trump. Now I need more gum. Or toothpaste. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that leftover Vindaloo for dinner. Tastes much better on the way down.
Similarly, the Cowboys lost to Green Bay by 3 points, but they won time of possession and total yards. I guess they should be playing the Falcons this Sunday, right? But it doesn’t work that way. The final score determines the winner. Just like the electoral college determines the president. So Trump may very well be a dick, but he’s also our president. Legitimately. So I guess he’s our dick–at least for the next few years.
The time for grousing has long since passed. In fact I find it ironic that the party who seems to think they own the market on acceptance, tolerance, and diversity are being so vehemently intolerant. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, and we seem to forget sometimes that it isn’t “freedom of speech as long as you agree with me.” You people attacking anyone who supports the new president are acting exactly like the right-wing whack jobs across the aisle from you.
I know he’s his own worst enemy. If I could give him any advice at all it would be to please stop making words with his mouth and fingers. Fake strep throat or something. Have someone embed some sort of chip under his skin that blocks internet access so he can’t tweet or post anything. Ever. Just give us all a break from the asinine outbursts. Let someone else speak for him. Just not Pence. Maybe Ben Carson. No one listens to him anyway.
Some of my friends are actually taking positive action. I see them post about contacting their representatives with their concerns about President Trump’s intentions and I applaud them for it. If we as a nation had done more of that over the years, we might not be where we are today. Holding our vomit-laced breath, bracing ourselves for the next stupid thing that falls out of the hole in front of our new leader’s face.
But it doesn’t matter who your candidate is. If you care enough to want change something then get off your ass and do more than cast your single vote and complain when your candidate doesn’t win. Join a campaign. Convince others to do the same. And stop blaming other people or things for what we did to ourselves.
That goes for our representatives, too. I’d like to thank the 50—maybe more than that now—dumbasses who are boycotting the inauguration. Thank you for giving the rest of the world one more example of just how not united the United States is right now. One more thing to mock us for. By the way, what exactly is the point you’re trying to make? That you’re a bunch of immature children who didn’t get your own way so you’re packing up your toys and going home? Message received.
If you’re looking for a “good guy” president, you’re going to have to go back pretty far. Presidents Obama and Clinton had lots of charisma, but they are not good guys. W may have been a decent guy I guess. Jimmy Carter may be the last nice guy we had in the office, and look how that turned out.
So tomorrow we swear in another jerk—maybe the biggest one we’ve ever had. There are lots of reasons to be concerned, and he just may surprise everyone. Again. But he won’t stand a chance—we won’t stand a chance, if we continue to sabotage him just so in four years we can say “I told you so.” I’m not suggesting anyone be inauthentic. I’m just saying maybe it’s time to back off on the “sky is falling” stuff and give him the chance any elected president deserves.
You may disagree with some or everything I’ve written here. I’m good with that. And I won’t think any differently about you. That’s the beauty of living in this country. We’re supposed to be able to have different opinions without sending someone scurrying into a safe space somewhere.
The time for winners and losers is over. Bernie Sanders can shout all day about how much money this cabinet has and I still won’t know when or how being wealthy became a bad thing. I just wish he and the rest of our representatives would—just one time—try to work together for the good of the country. Or just go home and give us a shot at electing people who will do more listening than talking.
I voted, but not for Hillary Clinton. And I didn’t vote for Donald Trump either. But tomorrow he’s going to be my president because he won our election and this is the country I choose to live in. I will continue to try to be the best human I can be and hope President Trump makes more good decisions than bad ones in the next four years. And now I’m down to my last piece of gum. Want half?
Cheers!
