cupcakes and juice boxes with a twist of lime
WARNING: This post contains tequila and should not be consumed by children under 21. Or maybe it should be. Tequila is delicious. And you can’t really start soon enough because my grandmother always told me that practice makes perfect. Even Tom Hanks (as Jimmy Dugan) said, “Anything worth doing, is worth doing well.”
I should probably start by saying this will likely make some of my dearest friends… cranky. But please leave the knife in the cheese (unless you want some cheese) and play along, okay? Okay.
I’ve really been trying to avoid writing about politics. Mostly because there are people I care deeply for with very strong views on both ends of the spectrum, even if some of them believe they’re moderate. And partly because I’ve actually been enjoying some political discussion—the texts and conversations I have with my son during the Democratic debates.
I still love the way his mind works. I can remember watching his wheels spin when he was wee. He actually figured out how to walk before he ever crawled. And he crawled exactly once that I can remember. I watched him start and then stop. I imagined him thinking and then decide he could get to his destination so much faster if he just got up and walked. And that was it. No more crawling.
So how does that apply to politics? No idea. Maybe it’s just a cool story. Maybe it’s the tequila. Maybe both. I just know it makes me smile when I think about it.
But where politics are concerned, I took the opportunity to take the www.isidewith.com quiz during the last Democratic debate. I was bored watching most of these jokers take pot shots at Elizabeth Warren. The human in me felt sorry for her. But the sound of her voice makes me want to jab pencils in my ears, so she probably deserved at least a little of it. Her speech writers really need to tell her to stop saying, “Let’s be clear” before saying shit that’s anything but clear. Better yet. Shhhh. Don’t talk at all.
The whole slate of candidates—almost—reminds me of a 5-year old soccer game. It’s like the current administration tossed a ball onto the field and this band of characters is chasing it around. They’re not really sure what they’ll do when they get it, but they all want the damned ball. And they don’t mind playing dirty to get it. Here are just a few things I imagine the players would say:
BERNIE: Why is there just one ball? Everyone should get a ball. And all the balls should be free… Hey windmill! Stop looking at me! I said stop looking at me!
JOE: Take it easy Bernie. There’s no reason to get so excited. It’ll all be okay.
BERNIE (flailing his arms): Nothing is okay! Nothing! Wait… Who brought the snack? Where’s the snack? It’s not fair! Not fair! There are supposed to be snacks. Free snacks. Where is my goddamned free snack?
JOE: Settle down, old friend. Take a deep breath. It’s over there, by the… the… what’s that called again? The sitting thing.
LIZ: It’s a bench, Joe, remember? I think it’s time you went and sat on it. You need to rest. Have a juice box. I got this.
BERNIE: God dammit! If Joe gets a juice box, everyone gets one! I’m warning you, windmill. I’m not gonna tell you again! Don’t make me turn this car around! Wait… no! Free balls! Free balls! Balls for everyone! Free! Free! Free! Where is my snack?
LIZ: You know, when I was teacher, kids used to bring in cupcakes for snacks.
JOE: I like cupcakes. Especially with sprinkles. Can we have sprinkles?
This whole thing is like some crazy new season of Lost where they’re just making shit up week by week. Now I’ve really done it. Mocking people’s TV shows. I’m just gonna say it. Lost was stupid.
Seriously, the Democrats have spent the last three years trying to find a way to get Trump out of the White House. They dredge up or make up the most outlandish stuff they can think of. Then their writers go crazy-ass video game with it. They twist words. They invent witnesses. They point fingers. Stomp their feet. Accuse Trump and his staff of the very same things they’ve been doing for years. I’m not saying it isn’t true, mind you. But all the while, Trump is looking down on them like some bloated Ming the Merciless, waiting to crush them in the election. Why? Because both sides think we’re stupid and we’ll believe anything we read on the internet or see on TV.
I can’t help thinking if they spent half that energy on coming up with a viable candidate, they might stand a chance in 2020. I want desperately for him to lose, but I just don’t see it happening. Please let me be wrong.
Seriously, how hard could it really be to be better than this guy? Instead, we have the Republicans and Democrats embroiled in a high-stakes game of “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” Each accusing the other of the same things.
I heard someone just this morning talking about quid pro quo. QPQ. That’s kind of fun to say. But the premise of what I heard today was that it’s done all the time. It’s just politics. So the White House stance went from “it never happened” to “so what if it did?” Sound familiar? What difference, at this point does it make? It’s like both sides have the same playbook. They deny until they can’t deny. Then they sort of admit but say it doesn’t really matter because there’s nothing wrong with it. And the media—all of it—is eating it up. Someone please arrange a screening of Wag the Dog for them!
Somewhere, off to the side of the soccer field, Mayor Pete and Tulsi Gabbert are shaking their heads.
PETE: Is this really our party?
TULSI: Damned if I know. It’s certainly not what I signed up for. And now I have to deal with a disgruntled old lady who still can’t come to grips with the fact that she was such a bad candidate she couldn’t even beat DFT.
PETE: Yeah, what’s that all about?
TULSI: Crazy old people, I guess.
PETE: You didn’t… you know, with… nevermind. Not my business. Hey, what’s that over there behind the tree, in the little velvet bag?
TULSI: Not again. Those are Joe’s marbles. He’s always looking for them.
PETE: Maybe Kamala hid them. She’s kind of a prankster, you know?
TULSI: You think? More likely Hilary did it. She’s always messing with Joe. She’s such a nasty woman.
PETE: Clever. But I’ve been thinking, you know? What do you say we join forces? We’re both young. Both veterans. And we’re actually pretty reasonable humans who are more interested in helping people than having power.
TULSI: I don’t know. I mean it isn’t the worst idea I’ve ever heard. But which one of us would be President and which one would be Vice President?
PETE: You know what? It really doesn’t matter. Together, we might just have a shot.
So now you know where I landed in the quiz. It’s not a big surprise. I think Warren is the second coming of Hilary. Bernie and Biden are playing a different game from a long-forgotten era. Harris is… well, she’s intriguing at times but prone to fits of spontaneous lunacy. And I honestly have trouble remembering the rest of their names. They make me tired.
In my imagination, Pete and Tulsi don’t care who gets first chair, but I’d recommend Tulsi. First, I love the idea of the first female president not named Clinton, Pelosi, or Warren. But practically speaking, her name is just easier to pronounce. And it’s just too clunky to say President Mayor Pete. President Gabbert? I can get used to that. Hey DNC! Are you listening?
Cheers.
