the definitive analysis of condiments
Or maybe it’s just one person’s opinion.
Summer has officially begun, which means we’re also into grilling season. Even in a socially-distant barbecue, you have to have your condiments straight. Enter me, with the only post you’ll ever need about which condiments to include on your picnic table, even if you’re the only one sitting there.
Let’s get this clear right out of the gate. This piece would be far too long if I went with the Wiki definition of condiments that includes spices and even bacon. Or maybe it would be a lot shorter because bacon always wins. Even vegans have tried to make their own bacon. They’ll try to convince you it’s just as good as the real thing. Like gluten-free beer or pretty much anything that someone decided to remove the gluten from. You may even try to convince yourself, but you’d be wrong. Also like quinoa. Mmmm. How about a nice, tasty bowl of dirt?
That’s where real condiments can come in handy. Sure, they’re flavor-enhancers, but they also exist to cover up the shitty taste of otherwise shitty food. Like quinoa, for example. But not salmon. I get it that some of you love the taste of salmon, but to me it tastes like someone took a regular fish, dragged it behind their car for an hour, and then melted a handful of ice cubes made of Erie Canal water over it. Nothing on any earth can cover up the taste of that.
A couple more guidelines here before we get down to business…
First, unless otherwise noted, I’m not going to attempt to cover all the Frankenstein condiments that combine things that shouldn’t go together to create bastardized variations of ketchup, BBQ sauce, or mustard. Maybe mustard, in deference to my dear friends, the DePeris.
Second, I’m going to steer clear of JV condiments like horseradish. Don’t get me wrong. I love horseradish. It just isn’t ready for the big leagues. Other JV condiments include:
Sriracha or any other chili sauce (sorry hipsters, you’ll need to sit this one out)
Butter, jelly, jam, or anything you might otherwise put on toast
Gravy and most entrée sauces
Steak sauce
LeFrois (sorry, Reid’s. You are amazing, and so is LeFrois. But outside WNY or even Lockport, has anyone even heard of you?)
Third, I’m sticking with liquid or fluid condiments. We northerners like to lump everything together under convenient labels. But anyone who’s been here in the south long enough to have their heart blessed understands that the solid versions of condiments are not condiments at all. They’re fixins. So no fixins in this piece.
Fourth, I’m going to have to disqualify relish. Sweet relish doesn’t get a mention except to say it’s crap. Dill relish is much better, but it’s basically the spread version of dill pickles, which is a fixin.
Finally, we’re not going into salad dressings, even when they’re used as condiments. For one, they are limited-purpose, for example Thousand Island dressing on a reuben or a Big Mac. Another reason is that I refuse debate ranch versus blue cheese. Blue cheese will always win that one, even though ranch is damned near a beverage here in the south. It’s also disgusting. In fact, I’m 99% sure if you were able to cut Satan open, he would bleed ranch dressing. Sorry, southern friends. I’m giving you fixins, but you can’t have ranch dressing. Ick out loud.
With that all out of the way, let’s get started with America’s condiment.
ketchup
This is a clear case of marketing winning the day. Ketchup is fine for your average, every day backyard barbecue, which is to say it has its place on hamburgers, hot dogs, and fries. But except for the occasional wackadoo who puts ketchup on eggs (which should, in my opinion, be a marker for serial killers) and as a substitute for blood in old movies and professional wrestling, what other use does ketchup really have? I guess you could try to cover up the taste of salmon with it, but I’m afraid you’d fail (see above). Grade: C+.
mustard
As I mentioned earlier, I think this one bears a little distinction. Your basic yellow mustard is kind of in the ketchup camp. It’s fine but unremarkable. Burgers. Dogs. Fried bologna. Sure, okay. Horseradish mustard is better, but try anything you’d put yellow mustard on with real mustard—the kind with a little kick. Brown mustard. Stone ground. So much better. All that said—mustard, while much better than ketchup, is still a limited-purpose condiment. Double grade here… yellow mustard gets a C. Brown/spicy mustard: B.
mayo
I feel like I have to cover mayo, too, even though I think it’s mostly gross. It’s crazy-popular and admittedly, it seems to have more utility than ketchup or mustard. It just doesn’t really have any flavor. So basically it adds fat and a gelatinous texture not unlike the skin that forms on takeout Chinese food when you put it the fridge. For my money, both are better when you scrape it off. Grade: D-.
BBQ sauce
Now we’re getting a little more interesting. In many ways, it’s like ketchup’s overachieving cousin. Ketchup hates BBQ sauce because it knows it simply doesn’t stack up. Mustard base. Tomato base. Spicy. Vinegar. It doesn’t matter. Even for fries. It’s like the condiment gods decided to punish ketchup over and over again. “Hey ketchup. Here’s a new twist on BBQ sauce. And it’s better than you, too!” Combined grade: B+. Almost A-.
soy sauce
This one might be a little controversial, but I feel like I have to include it. It isn’t just because I love Asian food of most kinds, but that helps. It isn’t because my family has a borderline unhealthy fixation with salt. It’s because soy sauce is one of those utilitarian condiments that goes well on meat and vegetables. Think about it for a few seconds. Chances are you’re not going to sauté rice and vegetables in ketchup or mustard. The downside is that there’s very little margin of error. A few drops too many, and saltiness can ruin the entire dish. Grade: B+.
hot sauce
There’s really only one winner in this conversation. It’s even more universal than soy sauce—you can use it on any kind of meat, fish, poultry, vegetables, soups, and even eggs. It’s also great with snack food, especially popcorn. And, as I learned in college, it can be used as a chaser with tequila shots. No, I am not kidding. And yes, you can try it at home. Just remember moderation, don’t drive afterward, and maybe avoid varieties with habanero or ghost pepper. Final grade and undisputed winner of best condiment in my kitchen: A+. But don’t take my word for it… Listen to your elders.
So there you have it. Frank’s RedHot is at the top of the heap, but another reason hot sauce wins is that even the off brands make the cut. Not so with most of the other condiments. Ketchup. Mustard. Soy sauce. Use something other than the leading brand and the grade drops at least a full letter. But Louisiana. Texas Pete. Even the store brand hot sauces all hold their own. Hot sauce checks all the boxes and should have its own bottle-sized championship belt.
Have a safe and fun-filled summer grilling season.
Cheers.
