(canadian) music holds the secret
My love of Canadian music has been well-documented—by zombies. Well, not really. But I read a blogpost a few months ago with a tip for identifying passive voice. If you can add “by zombies” to the end of your sentence, it’s passive. So sorry for the passive opening. I love Canadian music. There. That’s more direct. Moving on…
The internet is lousy with lists. Top 10. Top 100. Top 5. Top hats. I’ve seen a few lists for top Canadian artists and they’re all wrong. All of them. Want to know why? Okay, I’ll tell you. Because—like “by zombies”—there’s one sure-fire way to tell if a list of top Canadian artists is bullshit. Neil effing Young. That’s it. If Neil Young is on the list, the list is wrong. “The southern man don’t need him around…” and neither do list of top Canadian artists.
I know some of you will call that a matter of opinion, but I disagree. It’s like the world’s best pizza. Lock City Pizza, Lockport, NY. It’s an indisputable fact. So don’t argue. Or do. But I’ll win because this is my blog.
I will admit that Neil Young has musical talent. Lots of it. But like Bob Dylan, the man should never sing. Ever. Not in the car. Not in the shower. Those two should no more sing than I should. Their singing is even offensive to deaf people. Great songwriters. Great musicians. Awful voices.
But this blog is about my list of top Canadian artists—or at least my favorites. So let’s get on with that.
#13. ALANNAH MYLES
If you think she’s a one-hit wonder, you’re not listening.
#12. RUSHAdmittedly this band would be much higher on most lists. They have tons of hits, a tremendous light show, and Geddy Lee did work with Bob & Doug McKenzie for fun on “Take Off.” I like Rush. A lot. But every time I asked myself, “Who would I rather listen to?” I moved them further down the list. In fact, I could make an argument for dropping them off the list entirely in favor of Loverboy. But I just can’t do it. Probably because of Mike Reno’s red leather pants.
#11. THE ARROGANT WORMS
I guess these guys are more of a musical comedy act, but man are they fun to listen to. Trust me—their music will force you to get in a good mood, no matter how bitchy you’re feeling. Some of my favorite Worms’ tunes include “The Last Saskatchewan Pirate,” “Kill the Dog Next Door,” and the best of the bunch, “Jesus’ Brother Bob.” Yes, you read that right.
#10. GLASS TIGER
These guys remind me a lot of another band you’ll read about a little further down—Honeymoon Suite. I like just about every song they do. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I was belting out the words to “My Town” as I drove over the Burlington Bay Skyway last month. I know I shouldn’t have. I’m sure people were pointing and laughing. If I had the windows down they would also have been covering their ears because I sing as poorly as Neil Young and Bob Dylan. But I couldn’t help myself.
#09. ALANIS MORISSETTE
Yes, Alanis Morissette. I admit it. She’s my Canadian P!nk. And I love me some P!nk. Give a listen to Morissette’s Unplugged release from 1999 or her acoustic release of Jagged Little Pill and you’ll know why.
#08. PLATINUM BLONDE
Not to be confused with my cousin’s band, Dirty Blond (different shade, no “e”). Platinum Blonde had the makings of a big hitter when they first caught my attention with “Crying Over You” in 1985. They scored some other hits off that release (Alien Shores) but never quite achieved commercial success across the bridge, except on MTV. They had the look but just couldn’t get much attention from the people who made rock stars.
#07. THE PAYOLA$
Much maligned in the U.S., this Vancouver band made some of the best alternative/new wave music of the eighties. In my opinion, of course. Just like Styx in the States (according to Frankenstein, in Big Daddy), they would’ve been much bigger if the record industry critics weren’t such cynical assholes. Hats off to you, Paul Hyde!
#06. HELIX
Dipping into my mullet-wearing days, I always loved the raw, gritty sound Helix put out. It took them 10 years to land a hit with “Rock You” in 1983, from the amazing No Rest for the Wicked release. What a great album from top to bottom. I wore out at least two cassettes back in the day from overplaying it.
#05. APRIL WINE
These guys are the consummate mid-card act. They may never compete for the world championship belt, but could be the longest-running intercontinental champs in history. They’ve been around since 1969, released 20 albums and never won a Juno award. Still, I just love their sound. It could be Myles Goodwin’s voice or the way they shift from ballad to rock anthem with such ease, but they’ve earned a spot high on my list.
#04. JUSTIN BIEBER
Uh, no. Never. I just wanted to see if you were still reading. And if you want to link to his website, you’ll have to find it yourself.
#04. BRYAN ADAMS
I know what you’re thinking but I can’t help it. Adams had me hooked from the first time I heard “Cuts Like a Knife.” He tried to turn me away with that shitty ballad from Robin Hood, but then I hit play on “Kids Wanna Rock” and “Lonely Nights” and all was right with the world again. Plus, I’m not sure you can’t find it anywhere, but he did very cool holiday tune called “Reggae Christmas.” So there’s that.
#03. BARENAKED LADIES
My Dun & Bradstreet friends introduced me to these fun-loving kids from Scarborough, Ontario (thanks Mollie Lucas). Unfortunately, I never saw the original lineup in concert, but I did get to see them at what may be the world’s best venue—Ryman Auditorium—several years back. And they make an appearance in my first novel, The Platypus Party, so I have to include them on this list.
#02. HONEYMOON SUITE
Maybe it’s because their lead singer sounds like my cousin, Mike. Maybe it’s because they have an album named after one of my favorite places in Canada—Clifton Hill. But I don’t think so. I just think every song they release is easy to listen to. They’re like A.D.D. in the Rocker. You just find yourself singing along because—as Jason Sudekis puts it—“the songs are fricken awesome!”
#01. TRIUMPH
There wasn’t a shred of suspense for anyone who knows me or has read Newton’s Third Law. “Magic Power” made me want to listen to every song in the Triumph music library. It made me see them live three times. Triumph never got the credit they deserved. They had a light show rivaling Rush and better songs (because they don’t make me think). And they had Rik Emmett—a truly gifted guitar player who I also got to see live at Terry’s Corners Summer Sizzler.
The Sizzler was an annual gathering of rock & roll and bikers. I remember the bands almost as much as I remember seeing lots of biker chicks (I know that’s sexist, but it’s what we called them) in impossibly tight jeans and leather bikini tops. It may have also been what fueled my love of tattoos. And the Sizzler was the only thing worth going to Terry’s Corners for except maybe Kaner Hill and Little’s Market. Or was that Wright’s Corners. It was one of the “Corners” near Lockport. But either way, Rik Emmett was there and he was awesome. So #1 hands down. Triumph.
So there you have it—a baker’s dozen with a healthy dose of controversy. Looking back at it, it seems I’m inclined to favor distinctive voices.
In deference to my dear, almost-Canadian friend, Carrie Downey (Ryan), I’ll offer up the following additions for honorable mention:
Kim Mitchell—if I did this list again (with a soda or two), he could easily be in the top 10
(Larry) Gowan—another distinctive voice who now uses it to front Styx. “A Criminal Mind” is a masterpiece
Crash Test Dummies—“Superman’s Song” is just plain fun.
The Tragically Hip—I’m a fan. Just not a big enough fan for them to make my top 13
Loverboy—see above. Red leather pants. Makes me throw up in my mouth a little
It also seems odd to me that only two women-led acts made my list. There are plenty of other Canadian women artists who might’ve made it into my top 20—The Headpins (Darby Mills), Sass Jordan—maybe even Sarah McLaughlin. What about Celine Dion, you ask? No. No. And no.
Hell, if I were to include country music, I might even consider Terri Clark and Shania Twain. But that may be because of my close friend John Ettinger, who I’m sure will have a thing or two to say about my list anyway.
And If I was inclined to add artists from earlier days, Joni Mitchell could challenge Triumph for the top spot. She might even win. But I had to draw the line somewhere. Ready? Discuss. Disagree. Poke holes. But play nice. Come on, Goodspeed. I know you’ve got something on your mind. Toss me an Anne Murray, a Steppenwolf or a Gordon Lightfoot!
Cheers!
