un-silent lucidity: a case for bathroom unity
As much as I hate to draw attention away from such critical matters as what NFL players do during the national anthem, we have more pressing things to discuss.
Before I start, let me just say this is in no way political commentary. Much like the anthem debate, I’m betwixed and bewildered as to how it’s even become a government matter. But then again, we did pay for an entire Congressional inquiry over steroids in major league baseball. Someone help me… how many millions did that cost us? And what, exactly, did we gain from it?
But that’s not the point. The point is that something as monumentally stupid as where people pee is apparently an issue that can only be solved by a bunch of old white guys in the federal government. Because they’re so good at making decisions that represent the people who elected them.
End of rant. Beginning of that un-silent lucidity I teased.
A couple years ago, I was at an area restaurant that had “single-seater” men’s and women’s restrooms. I stood in line next to a woman, patiently waiting my turn to use the facility. I noted her excitement as a door opened, followed immediately by deflation when she realized it was the men’s room door that became vacant. I thought I’d be polite and offer to guard the door so she could use the men’s room because it was apparent to me that her need was a bit more urgent than mine. She did not accept my offer. In fact, she looked appalled—even offended—that I would suggest such a thing. A woman using the same bathroom as the men… You mean like we do at home? How uncivilized!
Men’s room? Ladies’ room? Other’s room? Holy shit, people (pun intended)! How about just let this topic be a molehill? They’re bathrooms! You go in, do your business, and then you leave.
Admittedly, my brain often works differently than the standard-issue human brain. Sometimes it even goes off the rails. But hear me out. I have a couple points you may not have considered. And they don’t have a single thing to do with what is or isn’t between your legs. Or what used to be but isn’t now. Or what wasn’t before but is now. Or might be. Or might not be. As my old college professor (who reminded me entirely too much of Mr. Magoo) used to say, “Aw hell… that’s just too complicated anyway.”
The most compelling reasons I can think of for unifying internal outhouses are much simpler. My reasons are based on the premise that we tend to avoid embarrassing ourselves around people we want to like us. Unless of course we’re actively debating something. Then stupidity flows like beer on “Quarter Draft” night at Sunny’s in Fredonia. Allow me two small examples:
First, what faulty wiring is it that makes people think it’s okay to have a phone conversation while they’re in the public restroom? In fairness, it’s not as dangerous as texting while driving or texting on stairs. I confess the latter is more dangerous when I’m behind those people, because I have to fight the urge to shove them down said stairs. Nonetheless, phone calls in the loo are just plain dumb. You’re not that important… and neither is your conversation.
Plus, if you’re talking at a urinal, someone like me might not be able to resist that urge to shove you, causing you to drop your phone into your pee stream. At best, your phone will become a technological Gilligan, stranded on Urinal Mint Island until the Professor comes along with an invention that enables you to retrieve it without touching community pee. At worst, you’ll have to reach in there with your free hand and dredge it out. And I’m not sure that putting it in a bowl of rice works with pee. Finally… will you ever really want to put that phone to your ear—or your mouth—again? I didn’t think so.
If it helps, think about it like picking your nose in the car. You may think you’re alone, but those glass things you look through when you’re driving go both ways. Similarly, bathroom stalls are not sound proof. Just be courteous to the person on the other end of the phone and offer to call back when you’re done with your business. They don’t want to hear you flush anyway.
Second, someone please tell me why people think it’s okay to vacate their bowels and then vacate the premises without flushing or washing their hands? I feel like this only happens in public restrooms because I’ve never seen it at home. Not when I lived with my parents or in my own place. But it’s really disgusting. And you just never get used to it, do you? It’s gross. So stop it. Stand up. Turn. Flush. And then wash your hands. Dry them with towels or use the air dryer and then wipe them on your pants (because we all know those air dryers don’t actually work). But please wash them before you leave.
I’ve taken an informal poll and—much to my surprise—neither of these things is limited to men. I don’t think there’s enough evidence on other gender identities (I hope I said that correctly… if not, I’m sorry. Not intentional.), so I’ll leave them out of the conversation for now. Crazy, right?
So, what’s my point? It’s about time one of you asked. It’s simple, really. I submit that we’ll do embarrassing things all day long in front of “the boys” or “the girls,” but none of us wants to be embarrassed in mixed company.
Avoiding shame is a powerful motivator, and I think we can use it to our advantage here. To be clear, I’m not on board with the suggestion a very powerful CEO made in a meeting I was in a few years ago. He said the only way to stop childhood obesity was to make all the fat kids sit at the same table in the cafeteria. In his mind, the “fat kid table” plan would compel these kids to eat healthier and get more exercise. I think that’s just crazy talk. And it would likely leave permanent scars. Great for the therapists, but not so much for the kids. Plus, I think it’s borderline child abuse to not put something that starts with Hostess or Little Debbie in kids’ lunches.
My idea is much less harmful. It just makes sense in the way twisted shit often makes sense to me. Why not undercomplicate the issue for once? Unify the bathrooms and people will put their phones away. Unify the bathrooms and you’ll walk in on significantly fewer unflushed toilets. Unify the bathrooms and men might actually begin wiping off the seat after they spray all over it.
It’s worth noting that this isn’t an original idea. Some places already do this. I’ve been in a few and found them to be much cleaner than the traditional sexgregated bathrooms. Admittedly, “a few” isn’t exactly a large body of research, but then I’m not trying to publish an academic paper on the subject either.
That’s all. At least on this topic. I apologize if you think the topic is juvenile. I actually think the fact that people are debating it is the juvenile thing. If we could all just be adults we would realize they’re just bathrooms and move on. There’s nothing magical or insidious about them. Now I’m really done. All this talk about bathrooms makes me have to pee.
Cheers.
