At some point, this was bound to happen. Or maybe it wasn’t and I’m forcing the conversation. Either way, I think it’s about time someone sparked the debate. Not because I think there are even odds, but hell—the Dolphins were 17-point underdogs in Week 17 and beat the Patriots. So maybe… just maybe, by the time I’m finished, I’ll have changed my own mind. I doubt it like I doubted the resurgence of fanny packs, but look what happened there?

I actually saw a small group of people old enough to know better last week. They were all wearing fanny packs and sipping their fancy drinks out of their Hydroflasks (apparently also the latest thing, although they’ve been around for a few years, too). They seemed confused when I walked up to them and politely asked what year it is. One of them reached into his fanny pack, presumably to check the calendar app on his gigantic-faced phone. I could be wrong. He may have been reaching for a pack of dried brussel sprouts, quinoa chips, or flaxseed… seeds, I guess. I walked away before I caught a glimpse of his bounty.

The point is here in 2020, there’s no place for fanny packs. Come to think if it, that isn’t the point at all. Not this point, anyway. This point is that it’s about time we had a conversation about who wins the battle of the Pauls.

This isn’t some contrived Ric Flair versus Hulk Hogan thing where depending on the organization, you know which one will win. There’s no babyface versus heel thing here. Both Pauls seems to be genuinely good guys. Both have histories littered with awards, accolades, admiration, and adoration. Both played lead roles on their teams and have successful solo careers. But in this writer’s humble opinion, one is clearly superior. I’m speaking, of course, of the Pauls, McCartney and Simon.

Let’s take a look at the numbers…

• Paul McCartney has been nominated for 78 Grammy awards and won 18; he’s won the Grammy Lifetime Achievement award twice, which seems counterintuitive, since like all other non-cats, he has only one life.

• Paul Simon has been nominated for 35 Grammys and won 16 times. He also owns a Lifetime Achievement award.

• McCartney was co-leader for one of the most celebrated and famous bands of in the history of the world, which was named after a group of insects.

• Simon was inarguably the leader of a once-in-a-generation duo who originally named themselves after cat and mouse team, “Tom and Jerry.”

• Both are in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame as part of their groups and as solo performers.

• McCartney’s “solo” band was called Wings, which of course, some insects have

• Simon’s solo career bears no resemblance to cats, mice, or insects; but, he did shoot a video with Chevy Chase. So there’s that.

• McCartney has written more songs and had more #1 songs than Simon. A lot more, as it turns out.

• McCartney is a damned knight, but Simon Paul Simon has been on Saturday Night Live 18 times.

It would seem that if you just look at these points, McCartney takes the checkered flag. But here’s the thing… I’ve lived in Tennessee for over two decades now and I still don’t get NASCAR. So checkered flags be damned.

I think it comes down to the depth of the songs they wrote and their appeal to broad audiences. I’m a Beatles fan, but Paul Simon just takes it to another level. He found influences everywhere and used them to create meaning. Graceland is—for my money—one of the best single releases ever. By anyone. I’ll admit that “You Can Call Me Al” is commercial, but it’s as fun and infectious as McCartney’s “Let ‘Em In” is mind-numbing and annoying.

So for me, the winner in this little debate is the Paul who was selected by Time magazine in 2006 as one of the 100 People Who Shaped the World—Paul Simon.

Need a tiebreaker? Let’s take it to the “na-nas.” Not, not to anyone’s grandmother, although if mine was still around I’m a thousand percent certain she would back me on this. This is a lady who taught me how to dance to Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock & Roll” in her living room. I’ve long-since forgotten how to dance without considerable quantities of tequila (sorry, Gram), but I’ll never forget the fun she had trying to teach me.

So who has the better “na-na” sequence? Is it “Hey Jude” or “You Can Call Me Al”? No contest. McCartney’s na-na sequence makes you think he just ran out of things to say and he just doesn’t know how to end the conversation. By contrast, Simon’s na-nas are mercifully shorter. They guide you to the end of a catchy tune that was never about much more than not winding up in a cartoon graveyard, which—if I’m being honest—actually sounds kind of fun.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I did not know most of these facts before I wrote this piece. Yes, I actually did some research… on Wikipedia, Grammy.com, and something from SNL.

Cheers (and Happy New Year!).